Emotional Eating, Anxiety and Self-Sabotage

How Childhood Trauma, Resentment and Emotional Pain Keep Us Stuck

The Hidden Need to Stay Hurt

Sometimes we hold onto suffering because a part of us still wants others to understand how deeply we were hurt.

I spent years trapped in patterns of emotional pain, resentment, anxiety and self-soothing through food — not because I wanted to suffer, but because my wounded inner child still needed comfort, validation and safety.

It was only when I recognised the pattern that I realised the only person truly being hurt was me.

The belief that we are going to make others hurt because we are suffering due to their actions — sometimes many moons ago. Plus we also keep up the struggle, the suffering and pain,trying now - to get the attention we did not get from our parents, spouse or others.

I have been doing this, not very successfully, because the only one hurting was me.

It was only when I recognised the pattern that I knew I had to change this before it became a resentful rage of “it’s all your fault.” For me this is not an option. Not only can it eventually lead to disease within the body, but my go-to response has always been giving in and giving up — staying small rather than really showing how mad I can get. But mostly because I realised this was old stuff.

However, it gets stuck in our tissues and becomes our issues.

When Childhood Trauma Follows Us into our Adult Life

When we have a difficult situation with someone, they can shroud or cord us to hide their true intentions or ensure we do not shine our light above theirs. For sensitive, empathic people, you know the feeling — the not-enoughness, the unworthiness, or simply feeling overwhelmed as we try to step out of our stuck energy.

The shrouds and cords keep pulling us back to that younger confused child who just wants to shine and be happy.

The chains and bindings of the past hold us hostage in fear, blame and resentment — “you did this to me,” “it’s all your fault.” Or like me, taking responsibility and thinking, “I must have said something to upset them for them to fly off the handle like that. Maybe I really am such a…”

All the times in childhood where our wounding still creates tension even a lifetime later — yet here we are holding onto old baggage, tormented by emotional attachments.

Not always out of choice.

Or maybe sometimes because a part of us still wants others to suffer as we did.

Emotional Eating, Anxiety and Self-Sabotage

It was only when I went deeper into the pattern of “it’s all my fault” that I realised how much I was using food to fill an emotional void.

“I’m going to eat and eat until I feel full.”

One, to get the care and comfort I never received. Two, to feel fulfilled in the only way I knew how.

Maybe for others it is spending too much, buying too much, smoking, drinking or working even harder just to prove worthiness to someone else.

For me, it became sugar cravings, junk food and emotional overwhelm.

I know this sounds weird — it really does even as I write it — but it is the best explanation I have for why we stay stuck in loops of hurt, blame and stress relating to how others treated us in the past.

The sad thing is the thoughts, feelings and anxiety in my body stemmed from childhood trauma — a time when thirty young people dimmed their light to hide, run or split from life with terror, anger and resentment.

(See also Blue Sky Resilience.)

The Energy of Resentment and Emotional Cording

As I was clearing this cording energy, I kept being encouraged to forgive.

How could I forgive them for the pain they caused me? How could God forgive them for the pain they caused me?

Yet the overwhelming need to reach for sugar, or to berate myself whenever anxiety and stress rose up, showed me something important:

The only person truly suffering from holding onto this energy was me.

Although the shrouds — the energetic blanketing that shuts out our ability to see or react in a loving way — may reflect their inadequacies more than mine, it is still my life I have to live.

It is my healing I now want to choose.

soul shattering heartfelt pain

Why Forgiveness Felt Impossible

Forgiving myself almost felt like betrayal.

As if letting go somehow excused what happened.

But as I reached for another bar of chocolate, I realised I was the one carrying this pain in every timber, every  cell  atom of my body, mind and soul.

I had allowed this angry, resentful energy to settle into the rafters of my being.

Was I keeping this pain to show people how hurt I was?

Was I still trying to receive the care, love and support I needed all those years ago?

Or was I finally ready to release the attachments and stop feeding the wound?

It is not an easy decision.

But I am beginning to understand that forgiveness is not condoning behaviour. It is releasing the energy that keeps us trapped in it.

Choosing Healing Instead of Hurt

Today, after many angelic prompts, I choose to forgive everyone involved in my life and experiences — especially myself.

I now realise that by giving these wounds so much house room, I gave away my power.

I choose to support the younger version of me who felt unseen, stuck and let down by the adults who created these conditions.

As I reach for another biscuit, I also choose to forgive myself for not protecting that inner child enough and for carrying the hurt energy for so long.

I no longer want to stay trapped in old emotional cording, fear, resentment or self-punishment.

I want to feel fully aligned with my life.

I want to live a life I love.

And I can only truly do that by letting go of the attachments, clearing the cords and choosing love over suffering.

Releasing the Past and Choosing Love

So today I now choose resilience over resentment, healing over hurt, and love over the need to keep feeding my old pain.